SO AFTER THIS WEEK OF ICONIC DEATHS, WITH ED MCMAHON, FARRAH FAWCETT, AND MICHAEL JACKSON ALL MEETING THEIR ULTIMATE DEMISE, BILLY MAYS HAS APPARENTLY DECIDED TO JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON. ACCORDING TO TMZ, MAYS WAS FOUND DEAD AT AROUND 7:45 THIS MORNING IN HIS HOME IN TAMPA. IN HONOR OF HIS INFAMOUS SHOUTING, I’M GOING TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE POST WITH CAPS LOCK ON.

SO YEAH, APPARENTLY NO FOUL PLAY IS SUSPECTED, SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH. I ALWAYS KIND OF THOUGHT HE WOULD GET SHOT BY SOMEONE ON THE SET OF A MIGHTY PUTTY COMMERCIAL. HE’S KIND OF FAMOUS FOR BEING SO ABSOLUTELY OBNOXIOUS… I FIGURED MURDER WOULDN’T BE ENTIRELY OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITIES WHEN IT COMES TO HIS DEATH.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING HERE, OF COURSE, IS THE FUTURE OF HIS SHOW ‘PITCHMEN.’ THAT SHOW WAS LIKE AN HOUR-LONG INFOMERCIAL… BUT I TOTALLY BONDED WITH MY FAMILY OVER THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF IT ALL. AND OVER THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF BILLY MAYS IN GENERAL. HE WILL BE MISSED.

HOWEVER, YOU’VE GOT TO ADMIT THAT DESPITE THE OBVIOUSLY DEPRESSING NATURE OF THIS TERRIBLE TRAGEDY, HIS DEATH WAS HONORABLE. HE’D JUST RETURNED HOME FROM THE SET OF AN OXICLEAN COMMERCIAL IN PHILLY. HE GOT ONE LAST HURRAH IN BEFORE MEETING DEATH, I’M SURE HE WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.

IN CONCLUSION, I’D LIKE TO WARN EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD OF THEIR IMPENDING DEMISE. DEATHS COME IN THREES. WE THOUGHT ED MCMAHON, FARRAH FAWCETT, AND JACKO WOULD BE IT FOR THE WEEK, BUT APPARENTLY A COUPLE MORE OF YOU WILL DROP DEAD IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS AS WELL. SO WATCH YOUR BACKS.

UPDATE: SO APPARENTLY, LITTLE BILLY MAYS TWITTERED (IS THAT A VERB? NOW IT IS.) ABOUT HIS DAD’S DEATH. UH, REALLY? I FEEL LIKE IF MY DAD “DIDN’T WAKE UP THIS MORNING” LIKE LITTLE BILLY SAYS OF HIS DAD, I PROBABLY WOULDN’T BE LIKE, “YEAH, LET’S TWEET THIS BITCH!”