Yep, what everyone’s been speculating has finally been confirmed: for Jon and Kate Gosselin, the shit has hit the fan. And at this point, the question isn’t who ever would have seen this coming. The question is, who didn’t see this coming? I’m not Team Jon or Team Kate. I think they’re both crazy, and I’m not going to throw my support behind either of them.

First of all, let’s explore why I can’t stand Kate. I mean, there’s the very obvious issue: she has some bizarre hairstyle I like to characterize as a reverse mullet. What is that chunk of hair in the front? Does she have some kind of crazy disfigurement that she wants to hide? I don’t think that’s the case, since she occasionally puts that big ridiculous hair chunk behind her ear and exposes the side of her face. No, I actually think she believes it’s attractive, which contributes to my next theory: She’s kind of nuts. Like, I’m sure that if I were to have eight munchkins (or, for that matter, one) running around, my brain would be pudding too. But that’s why FERTILITY TREATMENTS ARE NOT A GOOD IDEA. If she can’t handle that kind of life, she should have stuck with Mady and Cara and been done with it. I mean, it’s not like twins aren’t enough. So Kate kind of brought this on herself.

But Jon’s not a saint either. First of all, what’s up with the d-bag earrings he was rocking on last night’s show? Note to Jon: You’re not 50 Cent. Stop trying. Just because you’re allegedly involved in a highly publicized affair and you speak in a manner that implies a distinct possibility that you’re drugged doesn’t mean you’re gangsta. Really. Stop. And I mean, come on. Just because Kate’s crazy doesn’t mean you have the right to go out and bang some skanky teacher (and yeah, I blame that teacher too, because there’s no way in hell she didn’t know he’s married with kids). I can see why you’re tempted, I’ve watched the show. But dude, think about those hundred (or eight) kids of yours. They’re not going to be blissfully unaware of the crap you’re pulling forever. They’re going to grow up and be like, “Oh hey, Mom belongs in an institution and Daddy’s a manwhore!” Or they’ll just die of embarrassment.

And on that note, what the hell is wrong with the both of you? You’re seriously continuing with the show? You have got to be kidding me. That’s got to be one of the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Are you seriously so money-hungry that you’re going to sacrifice your kids’ sanity for your own personal gains? Then again, maybe it’s good to get some cash in the bank. Paying for intensive therapy multiplied by eight kids is going to get pretty expensive.