Oh, Tyra… 22 August 2008

Tyra Banks, I’ve always kind of loved you. In an I-wish-we-were-BFFs kind of way. You’re incredibly annoying and overly dramatic, but it’s endearing. The thing is, though, I’ve never had much patience for your choices when it comes to America’s Next Top Model. It’s a fantastic show, of course, highly addictive and all… but honestly, some of the girls you’ve given a chance were just awful! One of the girls last cycle bore shocking resemblance to a horse. And I don’t object to putting in plus-sized models, so long as they might actually make it in their field, but some of the ones you’ve put in weren’t attractive whatsoever. Whitney (the winner last cycle) was pretty and all, but I was under the impression that your show was supposed to give a modeling contract to the contestant most likely to be a ‘top model.’ That wasn’t Whitney. If it was between Whitney and someone of equal or lesser value, I’d understand. But Anya was a better model, and besides, she simply had more potential in that she was a bag of bones. I daresay that you crowned Whitney winner because you needed to deny accusations that your show causes eating disorders or something.

But that would be forgivable. Except… this cycle, you’ve got a transgender contestant?! Tyra, you’ve effectively jumped the shark. Sure, I’ve seen pictures of this ‘chick,’ and she’s one of the more convincing drag queens I’ve seen. And I’ve honestly got nothing against people who choose that lifestyle, even if I wouldn’t, myself. But really, the transgender model trend is over, and trying to revive it in some bizarre publicity stunt is a mistake. It was cool to have transgender models back in the ’80s. The 1980s, Tyra! You should know better… when it comes to fashion, anything that happened in the ’80s should be left there, no questions asked.

Although, please keep Miss J around. She’s pretty much fabulous.

The Project Which Might Actually Make Captchas Useful 18 August 2008

Every time you sign up for an account or post a comment on a protected site, you’re inevitably faced with a weirdly morphed sequence of alphanumeric gibberish. The internet savvy call it a Captcha. The un-internet savvy just call it annoying, pointless, and a waste of their time. Why strain your eyes to read that warped text? It’s pretty obvious you’re not a robot. If you were, you’d have bionic vision or whatever anyways. (To be fair, the internet savvy have these thoughts as well. I’m not ragging on the cyber-illiterate bunch.)

However, these irritating bits of the internet may actually have a purpose. A program called Recaptcha aims to help digitize old, deteriorating texts by scanning them into computers and using the hardest-to-read words, which can’t be identified by character reading software, as Captchas for humans to translate when signing up for a Yahoo account. As Captchas are used approximately 100 million times daily, this could turn out to be very efficient.

So wait. Does this mean every time I use one of those things, I’m helping to translate some ancient book? Don’t archivists and transcribers and people like that get paid to do that? But we don’t, and we’re doing exactly what they do. Unfair! If I got paid for every Captcha I translated, I would be much less broke. I demand compensation.

Bigfoot: Because America Always Has To Do It Better 16 August 2008

Just weeks after a story emerged reporting that scientists believe they found evidence of a yeti in southern Asia, another story is breaking, stating that two Americans claim they’ve found the corpse of Bigfoot. Evidently we can’t stand to see India beat us on the indigenous imaginary creature count, so after decades, we’re finally trying to prove that yes, Bigfoot indeed exists/existed, and he resided in the great state of Georgia.

Oddly enough, scientists are not reacting with the same excitement that they expressed for the yeti discovery. In fact, some Bigfoot experts (I can’t believe those actually exist… how does one become a credentialed “Bigfoot expert”? Can you major in that at some college? If so, where? Hogwarts School for Continuing Education? I mean, really!) think it may be a hoax! Gee, I wonder why? Maybe because Bigfoot hoaxes are the oldest trick in the humorous hiker’s book. Or maybe because Bigfoot has always been rumored to be a creature lurking in the Pacific Northwest, and Georgia certainly doesn’t fall into that geographic category. Or maybe because the two guys who found “Bigfoot” tested positive for drugs or something (not sure how true that is, but I wouldn’t be surprised… this is America, after all).

Plus, when DNA tests were performed, they found traces of possum. Uh… ‘kay?

If we can prove that this thing is real, though, it’ll be great for America. Bigfoot sounds way more macho than mande barung, after all. Our mythical creature could totally kick India’s mythical creature’s sorry ass. Until, of course, we destroy its habitat and/or hunt it to extinction. In which case… whoops.

Sixth Harry Potter Movie Release Pushed Back 15 August 2008

That’s right, fangirls, you’ll have to wait an extra eight months (until July 2009!) to see your favorite boy, actor Daniel Radcliffe, reprise his overrated role as Harry Potter. Don’t get me wrong, I love Harry Potter. But my loyalties lie with J.K. Rowling, not Warner Brothers. And as WB can’t seem to properly follow plotlines and get even minute details correct (I know, not everything can be perfect, or the movies would be epic, but please, let’s at least get the colors of objects appearing in the movies right), I must say, I’m not disappointed at all to see the movie get delayed. In my opinion, they should just cancel it altogether. Do it right, or don’t do it at all.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve got a long list of grievances against these films. First of all, Daniel Radcliffe. He does not bear any resemblance to Harry Potter, sorry, and you can’t deny that if you’ve read the books. He’s just another sorta-kinda-pretty-boy-who-happens-to-be-pretty-ugly and who bears slight resemblance to the character in that they have almost the same color hair. Perhaps he’s a good actor, I don’t know. Maybe he’d be fantastic in another movie. But he ruined Harry Potter.

Secondly, whoever writes these movies really sucks. The third movie was especially horrific. Little, itty-bitty things that take no real effort whatsoever to make right were completely wrong. For instance, at one point in the movie, they’re all seeking refuge from Sirius Black, so they’re all sleeping near each other in sleeping bags. Which, in the book, are clearly described as being purple and “squashy.” But in the movie, they’re blue. Blue! How hard would it be to just get properly colored sleeping bags? Then, at the end of the movie, they got a great little ending with Harry flying off on his brand-new Firebolt. Uh, hello? He’s supposed to get it at Christmas, and then a whole bunch of drama ensues when Hermione tells on him. If you’re going to put the bit in the movie, why not place it in the right chronological spot? I mean, really. Have these people ever read the books they’re supposed to be adapting?

Finally, I’m just angry on behalf of J.K. Rowling. Anyone who’s read her biography knows that this poor woman truly struggled to get this series started. Even though she obviously isn’t struggling anymore, these books are still magnificent pieces of writing. Yes, they’re very mainstream, so you book snobs are probably gasping at my use of the word ‘magnificent’ to describe them. But Rowling truly is a talented writer, and anyone who respects that gift ought to be horrified at how those books have been massacred to make for marketable movies.

Those are just three big issues I can pick off the top of my head. If I were to watch the movies over again, I guarantee that the list would be much, much longer.

Yes, my issues with the movies tend to be very picky, I know (I’ve got some OCD tendencies). People learn quickly that watching them with me isn’t exactly a great idea, because I’ll spend the entire movie pointing out what’s wrong with it. They might be good movies, I don’t know. I might like them if they weren’t allegedly based on what have always been my favorite books.

By the way, if you’re saying “Well, just don’t watch the movies, then,” I’ll have you know that I haven’t seen one since Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Up until that one, I kept having hope that they’d improve, but sometime between Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix, I lost my optimism.

Crazy Guy Tries To Buy Chevy With Coins 14 August 2008

Today’s post is inspired yet again by the lovely Latest Headlines button in Firefox. To think that before starting this blog, I’d only ever used it once or twice! It’s great for a laugh every once in a while.

So, most normal people try to get rid of coins as fast as they can, right? They’re bulky, they’re heavy, they make irritating jangling noises in your pocket when you’re doing jumping jacks at marching band. Basically, they’re just all-around annoying. Well, James Jones of Cincinnati certainly wouldn’t agree. The 70-year-old Ohioan says that he does not trust paper money or the banking system. His logic? “Paper money will burn, but it is hard to damage coins,” he reasoned. True enough, Mr. Jones. But why not just buy a fireproof safe to hoard paper money in? Keeping sixteen coffee cans full of change is a bit extreme. That safe I mentioned would take up a lot less space.

Anyways, this guy had his sixteen cans of coins, and he decided to take it in to his local Chevy dealership to purchase a truck. No joke. The guy walked in, plunked down the cans, and told the dealer that he wanted a Chevy Silverado. The funny part? The dealership’s employees had to sit there and spend an hour and a half counting the money. The funnier part? It only added up to $8,000 - half the price tag of the truck. So the guy paid the other 8 grand with a check. I’m wondering, though, if he has checks, he must have a bank account. After all, he can’t issue his own checks for the Bank of Crazy Coin Hoarder. And if he does have a bank account, why wouldn’t he deposit all of his coins into it and make the bank employees he hates so much deal with them, rather than the ‘innocent’ people at the dealership?

Honestly, it would be quite fun, I think, to force someone you hate to count $8,000 in coins.

Things George Bush Hates 11 August 2008

1) Black people. Kanye West said it, therefore it must be true.

2) The middle class. This one’s obvious. He passed us by when it came time to dole out tax cuts a few years back and gave families making $250,000 a year (or more) a break instead. Hello? Plus, he’s not doing a whole lot to help us fuel our cars and power/heat our homes - sure, offshore drilling will save us a few cents in 22 years. But what are we supposed to do until then, Mr. President? Obviously, the price of oil isn’t going to dip back to the prices of the early years you were in office - which, if you recall, you said were ridiculous, at the time. Uh, Mr. Bush? I know it’s a bit late, but just to clarify - we would have liked it to go down, not shoot up.

3) Animals. Not only does Bush favor drilling for oil in ANWR and in the Gulf of Mexico, which would inevitably disturb thousands of organisms, he now favors an edit of the Endangered Species Act to make it so that federally funded building projects can bypass the currently mandatory review by government wildlife experts to make certain that no endangered species, or its habitat, could be harmed by the project. The logic behind this is that the people in charge of these projects are well-enough informed to make these decisions on their own. I’m sure they’ll have a completely unbiased opinion when doing their “review.” Because people never, ever take advantage of situations like that!

4) The military. As much as Bush might pretend he admires our troops, it’s all a bit hypocritical of him to act as though he’s got the authority to be Commander in Chief. After all, he went AWOL back during his time in the National Guard during Vietnam. Plus, with all of his cuts of benefits for veterans, it’s really quite hard to believe that he is as supportive as he claims to be.

5) Big words. In Washington on May 12th, Bush stated: “I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.” I think that pretty much says it all - not only did he seem to acknowledge his own stupidity, he also reinforced the point by failing to use any words containing more than two syllables.

Go Green: Switch to Kangaroo Burgers! 10 August 2008

Today I used that “Latest Headlines” button in Firefox again - mostly, I was bombarded with stuff about suicide bombings and various other attacks, but then I saw something that sparked curiosity: a headline reading “Eat kangaroo to ’save the planet.’“

Why are we supposed to give up our traditional all-American meats, you ask? Well, whenever a cow or sheep burps, farts, or poops, they release methane. And for all the publicity carbon dioxide gets as being destructive, methane is actually worse for the environment, when released in unnaturally large quantities. Obviously, reducing meat intake in general is the easiest solution. But if you’re a hardcore carnivore, you need an alternative. According to scientists down under, kangaroo’s a good option. Dr. George Wilson states that kangaroo meat “tastes excellent, not unlike venison.” And since the digestive systems of kangaroos are wired so that they produce almost no methane, they’re a more “green” meat (obviously, not green in color… you know what I mean) than beef as well.

Personally, though, I could never eat a kangaroo burger, even if I wasn’t a vegetarian. They’re too darn cute to eat! It would be like eating my cat or something. Except, unfortunately, I don’t have a pet kangaroo, so maybe that’s not quite a fair comparison. Though if my dog keeps howling at nonexistant objects every fifteen seconds, I may consider eating her.

The Three Worst Commercials Ever 9 August 2008

Commercials: Fabulous marketing tools? Or the spawn of Satan?

Generally, it’s the latter. If you work at a company, obviously you have to promote your product. I get that. But seriously, some of these commercials are downright obnoxious. They’re generally far louder than the program they interrupt, so you find yourself scrambling for the volume buttons on the remote control when your show takes a break. Most of them are created on an incredibly stupid premise, like the now-cultish Geico Caveman spots - the gecko was fantastic, I don’t know why they ditched him. These self-involved prehistoric assholes they’ve replaced him with are absolutely awful. And all of them are irritating just because you just can’t wait any longer to find out who got kicked off of American Idol, but Fox has cut to yet another epic commercial break.

However, while just about all adverts are annoying in some way, shape, or form, some of them rise above the rest. With some spots, it seems as though the companies behind them are consciously trying to drive all of North America to insanity. The top three that just make me want to commit horrendous crimes:

1) The Secret Flawless commercial - you know, the “five facets of flawless performance” by your deodorant? First of all, that phrase in itself is idiotic. It sounds like you’re choosing nominees for the Antiperspirant Academy Awards or something. Second of all, the girl in that commercial is absolutely obnoxious. Every time I hear her yell “TAXI! TAXI!!!” in that awful shriek of hers, knowing that it’s all for nothing, because after all, she’d “rather walk,” I just can’t help but think that she and everyone at Secret deserves to be shot.

2) HeadOn: Apply directly to the forehead. Whenever I used to hear this commercial, that line would inevitably get stuck in my head for the next six or so hours. Perhaps it’s a more ingenious marketing device than we gave them credit for - after banging my head against a wall attempting to shake their now-infamous tagline out of my brain, I did find myself in need of relief for a headache. But it’s a good thing I didn’t turn to HeadOn - there has been speculation that the product could be hazardous to more than just your mental health.

3) Billy Fuccillo’s older commercials. These you may not be familiar with, as Billy is a local car dealer, but I believe he has dealerships in California and other areas as well, so perhaps you have seen one or two. Basically, the premise of these commercials goes something like this: Billy comes onscreen and tells us all about Huge-a-Thon 2000 or whatever other promotional event he’s cooked up. Then he informs us that his dealership is the best and everyone else’s sucks. Finally, he goes out with a bang by bellowing at the camera that his dealership/event is “HUGE!!!!!” The first seventeen or so times you see these commercials, they’re not that bad. The problem is, they are inescapable. At some points in the year, you cannot flip the channel without seeing Billy Fuccillo on the screen. I’m often tempted to try to get a restraining order and see if that helps.

So those are my three least-favorite commercials. If you’re wondering, three that I like include the Hillshire Farms one with the guys barbecuing in their backyards and chanting about meat (despite my being a vegetarian, it makes me laugh), the Apple commercials with the Mac and PC guys, and the SoBe LifeWater commercial from this year’s Super Bowl. In fact, I like most Super Bowl commercials. They’re far better than the actual game.

Oh, and on another, slightly more serious note, R.I.P. Bernie Mac - you annoyed me because my brother was always hogging the TV watching your show, but I have to admit, you were a pretty funny guy. You’ll be missed.

Reasons Why I Would Fail Epically At Politics 8 August 2008

1) I absolutely detest public speaking. Seriously, it’s one of my worst fears. If you were to give me a choice between being covered in spiders (I suffer from a severe case of arachnophobia as well) and giving a speech in front of thousands of people at a rally, I would probably choose… well, to jump off a cliff. And if, somehow, someone managed to trick me into speaking at some sort of event, I would just make an idiot of myself, so no one would vote for me anyways and all of that trauma would be for nothing.

2) I hate touching people. Yeah, if you take that in a perverted way, it might sound like it would be to my advantage if I were to run for office (are you reading this, Eliot Spitzer?). But I mean, politicians are all about hugging people and kissing babies and shaking hands. They touch thousands of people over the course of a campaign. Thousands of strangers! I don’t understand how they do it. Do their Armani suits secretly serve as shields from various hazardous substances? I mean, really! They don’t know where these people have been! They don’t know when these people have last showered, or if they wash their hands after using the toilet! It’s absolutely disgusting. I’d have to wear a surgical mask and a biohazard suit on the campaign trail.

3) I don’t really like small children. This brings me back to the whole kissing babies thing. It’s like an occupational hazard for politicians. If some mommy wants you to say ‘hi’ to little baby Snot ‘n Spit, you can’t just say no and keep walking, or you’ll look like an ass. But if you suck it up and do the whole “oh how cute, you can be my running mate in 35 years” thing, chances are, you’ll walk away with a nice pile of spit-up on your shoulder. It might be a lovely photo op at the time, but it ruins any further photographs you take immediately following it.

4) I can’t keep my mouth shut when I probably should. I have yet to master the elusive concept of discretion. If I have an opinion, generally speaking, I’m going to let you know, even when it comes to the most trivial things. Especially when it contradicts yours. Not the best move when it comes to diplomacy.

5) I have a bit of a superiority complex. Yeah, I’m the first to admit it. But it still ruins my chances of being successful in politics. I would never be able to compromise effectively with people. If I think something’s right, I’m generally pretty sure it is. I’m also usually pretty well convinced that anything anyone else comes up with isn’t much worth listening to. Not a good strategy for a campaign, and not good when it comes to foreign policy - or anything else, for that matter. I mean, that’s probably how America got into the mess we’re in right now. Except I do have confidence that I’d make at least slightly better decisions than good ol’ George Dubya. But that, I suppose, is a matter of opinion.

6) I have no experience whatsoever. You think Barack Obama’s inexperienced when it comes to foreign policy? Wait until you see how much I know. (Hint: Not a whole lot.)

7) I’m lazy. No way would I get up at 3 a.m. to answer that damn phone Hillary Clinton was always talking about. I don’t care if Vladimir Putin has taken over Europe, or if Mao Zedong has risen from the dead and is bringing a second Cultural Revolution to Los Angeles - it can wait until 10:30 or so in the morning. After all, I couldn’t effectively lead the free world with nasty dark circles under my eyes. And I’m pretty grouchy when I don’t a good night’s sleep.

8) I’m female. My raging hormones could prompt me to start a nuclear war with Iran, so you might want to avoid voting for me, just to be safe. Plus, don’t I belong at home, making pies and darning socks?

Well, those are eight of the reasons I’d suck as a politician. I’m sure there are a whole bunch more, but as this is going to break 700 words, I probably ought to stop here. Plus, I think it might be getting close to time to take my medication. Yes, more medication - I woke up this morning with a new rash. So I found myself at the doctor’s office yet again. Turns out, it’s strep - more specifically, scarlet fever, although I don’t have a fever. Or any other symptoms, for that matter. Whatever. In any case, I now have to take enormous amoxicillin pills. Fantastic.

Paris for President 7 August 2008

So we’ve all heard by now about John McCain’s ingenious new advertisement, which compares Barack Obama’s fame to that of Paris and Britwreck. Not sure why he thinks this is a good idea, even I could have told him that it would just get him torn apart by media watchdogs, and I’m definitely not some brilliant campaign adviser. Common sense is a blessing which isn’t bestowed upon everyone, I suppose. I guess he thought it would help him get his message across to the youngsters by giving them a point of comparison that they actually are familiar with - not something complex like a real issue, but the airheads of Hollywood. Well, Mr. McCain, let us know how that works out for you. I still think you could have salvaged your campaign by waterskiing over that shark.

Anyways, what you may not have seen is Paris Hilton’s response to the ad. In a video on Funny or Die, Paris talks about her new bid for the White House, inspired by McCain’s advertisement. I’d just like to mention, if that’s the kind of thing McCain is going to achieve while in office, let’s just pray he doesn’t win this election, because inspiring Paris Hilton to run for president is on par with begging Iran to toss a couple of their alleged nuclear missiles at us. But the video is worth the minute or two it’ll take to watch.