In Appreciation Of 30 Rock

So last Thursday, I went to New York with my friend since she was in the area for college orientation. I spent eight and a half hours on a bus that day. Boston and New York apparently aren’t as close together as I’d previously thought.

But anyway, once there, we did all kinds of touristy things. We went to Hard Rock, we went to Times Square, I bought five-for-$10 I Heart NY t-shirts at a sketchy street vendor… And of course we went to Rockefeller Center. While there, we went to the Top of the Rock observation deck, where we took some nice pictures but couldn’t get a good shot of the Chrysler building (which was a priority, as my friend and I want to buy it, and we need a picture in order to solicit donors… we have to raise $2 billion if you care to donate *winkwinknudgenudge*). Aaaand we went to the NBC Experience store, where I was thrilled to pick up a Sheinhardt Wig Company t-shirt.

While I was overjoyed to have one of these in my possession, I was less than thrilled to have to attempt to explain what the Sheinhardt Wig Company (NOT poisoning rivers since 1997) is when I wore that shirt today. And I had to try to explain it about four hundred times, mind you. Seriously, NO ONE WATCHES 30 ROCK.

I don’t understand it. If I was wearing a Dunder Mifflin t-shirt, everyone and their brother would get it. And, if you’ll pardon what many people will see as blasphemy, I’m personally of the belief that 30 Rock is about a thousand times funnier than The Office. And okay, whether you agree or disagree with me, you have to admit that 30 Rock has won, like, three hundred Emmys. It’s not a sucky show.

So why doesn’t anyone watch it? It’s on right after The Office, with which pretty much everyone in the world appears to be involved in a very romantic love affair. Come on, America. You can’t sit on your ass for an extra half-hour every night? I bet you can – you’ve been tuning into that godawful I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here crap regularly. (MILF Island would’ve been a way better idea.) And I wouldn’t say it’s entirely risky to state that 30 Rock is probably better quality television than IACGMOOH. Even the acronym is terrible. If you read it, it sounds like a vomiting cow. At least, when I read it.

I don’t know. What’s even more irritating to me is that there is no Sheinhardt Wig Company Wikipedia page for me to redirect people to when I can’t sufficiently explain it. Any Wikipedians want to get on that for me? I already made the Oswego City School District page, so someone else can take this one.

But honestly, people. Watch the show. It’s good stuff, and you can watch it here from the beginning. You might want to do that, cause some bits don’t make a whole lot of sense if you start in the middle. But the episodes are like twenty minutes long on there without commercials, so go forth and be educated.

Note: WHAT THE HELL, the Chrysler building has already been bought? Damn it.

Old Lady Beats Baby Animal To Death… In Self-Defense

Yeah, I was as flabbergasted as you are.

76-year-old Dorothy Richardson of Euclid, Ohio took a shovel to a 25-pound baby deer that she saw in her garden, saying that the fawn’s eyes met hers and she was scared it was going to jump and bite her head off. Yeah. She was afraid that a 25-pound fawn was going to bite her head off. I know some people get kind of crazy toward the ends of their lives, but seriously?

Apparently she told a city councilman about the incident, and he painted a more gruesome picture. According to his account of what she said, this woman hit the fawn once with a shovel, causing it to scream. Can you picture this? A little baby deer screaming in pain? Any normal human being would be horrified at this. But no, this nutjob wasn’t sympathetic. She proceeded to hit it twice more, and said she wanted to put it at the end of the yard ’so the other deer know not to mess with her.’ Instead, she put it in a box and put it out on trash day.

Seriously? What the hell is wrong with this woman? Here’s an activity: Picture Bambi. Now picture an old woman beating Bambi to death with a shovel. Personally, I’d be inclined to smack her with the shovel. Maybe you guys wouldn’t react so violently (more power to you), but still, I’m pretty sure no one’s screwed up enough to be cheering her on.

In other news of crazy people from Ohio, Columbus firefighter David P. Santuomo will have to serve 90 days in jail for hanging his two dogs from a pipe in his basement and shooting them. Why? Because he thought it would be easier to do than pay for them to be boarded while he went on a cruise. True, Santuomo has a history of financial issues, having had his home foreclosed six years ago and having filed for bankruptcy twice, and boarding is expensive. But apparently he can afford a cruise.

Hope he can also afford the $4500 in restitution and the potential loss of his job.

BILLY MAYS DIED TOO?

SO AFTER THIS WEEK OF ICONIC DEATHS, WITH ED MCMAHON, FARRAH FAWCETT, AND MICHAEL JACKSON ALL MEETING THEIR ULTIMATE DEMISE, BILLY MAYS HAS APPARENTLY DECIDED TO JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON. ACCORDING TO TMZ, MAYS WAS FOUND DEAD AT AROUND 7:45 THIS MORNING IN HIS HOME IN TAMPA. IN HONOR OF HIS INFAMOUS SHOUTING, I’M GOING TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE POST WITH CAPS LOCK ON.

SO YEAH, APPARENTLY NO FOUL PLAY IS SUSPECTED, SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH. I ALWAYS KIND OF THOUGHT HE WOULD GET SHOT BY SOMEONE ON THE SET OF A MIGHTY PUTTY COMMERCIAL. HE’S KIND OF FAMOUS FOR BEING SO ABSOLUTELY OBNOXIOUS… I FIGURED MURDER WOULDN’T BE ENTIRELY OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITIES WHEN IT COMES TO HIS DEATH.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING HERE, OF COURSE, IS THE FUTURE OF HIS SHOW ‘PITCHMEN.’ THAT SHOW WAS LIKE AN HOUR-LONG INFOMERCIAL… BUT I TOTALLY BONDED WITH MY FAMILY OVER THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF IT ALL. AND OVER THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF BILLY MAYS IN GENERAL. HE WILL BE MISSED.

HOWEVER, YOU’VE GOT TO ADMIT THAT DESPITE THE OBVIOUSLY DEPRESSING NATURE OF THIS TERRIBLE TRAGEDY, HIS DEATH WAS HONORABLE. HE’D JUST RETURNED HOME FROM THE SET OF AN OXICLEAN COMMERCIAL IN PHILLY. HE GOT ONE LAST HURRAH IN BEFORE MEETING DEATH, I’M SURE HE WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.

IN CONCLUSION, I’D LIKE TO WARN EVERYONE IN HOLLYWOOD OF THEIR IMPENDING DEMISE. DEATHS COME IN THREES. WE THOUGHT ED MCMAHON, FARRAH FAWCETT, AND JACKO WOULD BE IT FOR THE WEEK, BUT APPARENTLY A COUPLE MORE OF YOU WILL DROP DEAD IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS AS WELL. SO WATCH YOUR BACKS.

UPDATE: SO APPARENTLY, LITTLE BILLY MAYS TWITTERED (IS THAT A VERB? NOW IT IS.) ABOUT HIS DAD’S DEATH. UH, REALLY? I FEEL LIKE IF MY DAD “DIDN’T WAKE UP THIS MORNING” LIKE LITTLE BILLY SAYS OF HIS DAD, I PROBABLY WOULDN’T BE LIKE, “YEAH, LET’S TWEET THIS BITCH!”

Jon And Kate To Separate?!?!?!?

Yep, what everyone’s been speculating has finally been confirmed: for Jon and Kate Gosselin, the shit has hit the fan. And at this point, the question isn’t who ever would have seen this coming. The question is, who didn’t see this coming? I’m not Team Jon or Team Kate. I think they’re both crazy, and I’m not going to throw my support behind either of them.

First of all, let’s explore why I can’t stand Kate. I mean, there’s the very obvious issue: she has some bizarre hairstyle I like to characterize as a reverse mullet. What is that chunk of hair in the front? Does she have some kind of crazy disfigurement that she wants to hide? I don’t think that’s the case, since she occasionally puts that big ridiculous hair chunk behind her ear and exposes the side of her face. No, I actually think she believes it’s attractive, which contributes to my next theory: She’s kind of nuts. Like, I’m sure that if I were to have eight munchkins (or, for that matter, one) running around, my brain would be pudding too. But that’s why FERTILITY TREATMENTS ARE NOT A GOOD IDEA. If she can’t handle that kind of life, she should have stuck with Mady and Cara and been done with it. I mean, it’s not like twins aren’t enough. So Kate kind of brought this on herself.

But Jon’s not a saint either. First of all, what’s up with the d-bag earrings he was rocking on last night’s show? Note to Jon: You’re not 50 Cent. Stop trying. Just because you’re allegedly involved in a highly publicized affair and you speak in a manner that implies a distinct possibility that you’re drugged doesn’t mean you’re gangsta. Really. Stop. And I mean, come on. Just because Kate’s crazy doesn’t mean you have the right to go out and bang some skanky teacher (and yeah, I blame that teacher too, because there’s no way in hell she didn’t know he’s married with kids). I can see why you’re tempted, I’ve watched the show. But dude, think about those hundred (or eight) kids of yours. They’re not going to be blissfully unaware of the crap you’re pulling forever. They’re going to grow up and be like, “Oh hey, Mom belongs in an institution and Daddy’s a manwhore!” Or they’ll just die of embarrassment.

And on that note, what the hell is wrong with the both of you? You’re seriously continuing with the show? You have got to be kidding me. That’s got to be one of the most absurd things I’ve ever heard. Are you seriously so money-hungry that you’re going to sacrifice your kids’ sanity for your own personal gains? Then again, maybe it’s good to get some cash in the bank. Paying for intensive therapy multiplied by eight kids is going to get pretty expensive.

Sometimes, Corporal Punishment Is An Awesome Idea

So I was just on Facebook – of course not doing the reading assigned for my government class (it’s not due till Wednesday anyway). Anyway, I came across a posted link to this: a story about some obviously disturbed woman who got her friend to shoot her six-week-old puppy so she could make a belt.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

First: The dog wasn’t some mutt that you can pick up for free. It was a Jack Russell terrier. While that’s not necessarily the most rare or expensive breed you can find, a quick Google search reveals that, on average, a Jack Russell puppy costs around $350, not including vet visits and food and whatever other extra costs a dog might bring. So, really, lady? I know DIY is all the rage, but Gucci, Prada, YSL, Ferragamo, de la Renta, and Valentino all offer some wonderful products for a comparable price. Plus, purchasing a belt from Neiman Marcus isn’t going to get you charged with a felony, whereas shooting and skinning a puppy definitely does.

Second: IT’S A FREAKING PUPPY! Who does that? Oh, I can tell you: SON OF SAM. Yeah. David Berkowitz, better known as the notorious serial killer Son of Sam, had a history of killing and mutilating dogs. Personally, I’d think being associated with serial killer-like behaviors is quite undesirable. Maybe this chick thinks that her case is different, that her dog died a noble death since it was dying to help her have a super-cool new belt, but I think any sane person would probably beg to differ.

So really, this wasn’t a good choice on any front. She basically put a hit out on her defenseless six-week-old puppy, which makes her kind of crazy. She didn’t even save any money off of a department-store belt. She got herself charged with a felony. And for god’s sake, she didn’t even get her belt in the end!

But it’s not only the crazy girl I have a problem with. For all the insanity of the stunt she pulled, she’s only facing up to five years in jail and a $500 fine. LAME. Sorry, that’s not okay. Let’s borrow an idea from some Native American tribes and scalp the bitch. But if that sounds too radical, let’s at least bump up the jail time she’s eligible for. I mean, really. Someone who’s so obviously out of whack with society’s expectations for adequate treatment of everyone who cohabits this world probably isn’t the kind of person I want roaming free. I mean, I think my dog’s relatively attractive. What if she pops out from behind a tree and shoots my dog while we’re out for a walk so she can have a new jacket or something? (Not that that would happen, I’m just saying.) The point is, the government apparently doesn’t see that these people are kind of a danger to society.

Also, hey, PETA? Where are you in this whole thing? You flipped out when President Obama squashes a fly, but I haven’t heard too much about your reaction to this. Is it not high-profile enough for you? No celebrities to dump paint on, so you don’t get involved? Seriously, maybe people wouldn’t think of you as being such an asinine, crazy organization if you actually addressed something legit like this instead of focusing on a fly that would’ve dropped dead in about fifteen seconds anyway.

Oh, my roommate drowned a spider in our toilet today. It was living under the seat, and we’re both terrified of spiders. Does that make us sadistic? A spider is a more complex organism than a fly, right? Damn. Dear PETA, please forgive me for being terrified of things with too many legs. :( I’m a vegetarian if that counts for anything.

Oh hey, back to the original subject: I just learned that the lady wanted the dog dead because it was a gift from an ex who she didn’t get along with. Uhhhhh, really? Does that mean it’s fine and dandy for divorced parents to shoot their kids in the face a few times? Didn’t think so. Also, if she’s so concerned with the link to her past relationship, what was the point of making a belt out of the puppy skin? Wouldn’t that have just been another link to that relationship? Plus, how much of a belt can you even make when you empty a round into the puppy? I feel like you wouldn’t have much material to work with. (Rant over, because I feel like if I write much more the ratio of profanity to substantial text will get really, really unbalanced.)

So by the way, I’m at Hahvad now in case anyone’s wondering. So please excuse any typos in this post, because the keyboard on this MacBook that I have to use is really weird. Also, if you’re in the Cambridge/Boston area, go to L.A. Burdick and order a hot chocolate. It tastes like you are drinking a chocolate bar. It’s officially replaced Starbucks Salted Caramel Signature Hot Chocolate as my number one favorite cocoa ever. And according to their Facebook page, they’re opening a location in New York City soon! So check it out.

So, I’ve Officially Survived Sixteen.

That’s right. Unless I get hit by a bus sometime before 7:23 p.m., I will have officially had success in navigating the age of 16. So now I’m 17. Seventeen magazine (which I’ve been reading since I was twelve) is now actually intended for my age group. Twelve-year-old me would say that’s wicked old. And now I’m realizing that I should have thought through my blog name a bit more carefully when I made this… Surviving Sixteen is kind of inaccurate now that I have survived sixteen and successfully turned seventeen.

But I don’t want to make a new blog and lose all the posts on here (not to mention the traffic that’s been directed here by various websites). So I think I’ll leave the URL the same. But I’ve no idea how to rebrand the blog. Surviving Seventeen could work, but what happens when I’m eighteen? That’ll screw up the alliteration. And I’m a fan of alliteration. It’s the simplest, most idiot-proof way to make something sound a bit catchier.

To be honest, I don’t think I honestly thought I’d stick with this blog for so long. In the past, I’ve made blogs and abandoned them within the month. True, I’ve gone AWOL a few times on here, but I’ve come back, right? Obviously. Or I wouldn’t be posting this.

So, happy birthday to me. I’ll be spending the day patting myself on the back for making it this far in life without being brutally murdered like I’ve been terrified I would be since I was eight. (Not specifically that I’d be murdered before seventeen, just that I’d be murdered in general. I have some extremely irrational fears. Google Heidi Allen… this is all her fault.)

Just Give Susan Atkins Parole

Okay. I kind of have a sick fascination with Charles Manson and his ‘family.’ Not like I want to emulate them or whatever, their stories are just so bizarre that I can’t help but be enthralled. I’ve seen all the TV specials, I’ve read Helter Skelter (which was an awesome crime story, the best part being that it was actually legit), and now I just read Wikipedia for whatever updates.

Recently, I realized that Susan Atkins, aka Sadie Mae Glutz, aka the person who actually killed Sharon Tate and wrote the word ‘PIG’ in Tate’s blood on the door to Tate’s house, aka effing crazy bitch, was up for parole soon. That hearing is today. She’s been denied parole 17 times since she was jailed forty years ago, and rightfully so. I don’t care that she’s a born-again Christian or whatever, that’s awesome for her, I guess. And kudos to her for taking advantage of all the betterment opportunities offered at her facility, as she supposedly has. But seriously, why should this get her out? It doesn’t get other people out.

However, considering her current physical condition, they might as well grant her parole today. Last April, she was diagnosed with brain cancer expected to kill her within six months. She’s still around, obviously, but she’s paralyzed in 85% of her body and can’t even be put into a wheelchair. Her medical care alone has cost California taxpayers $1.15 million, plus upwards of $300,000 to guard her hospital room. That’s ridiculous. Under California law, you have to give someone parole if you can’t prove she constitutes a legitimate danger to society. How can someone who’s bedridden and can barely speak constitute a danger to society? Yeah, I don’t think so. Just let her live out the rest of her days at home. People might say someone like that should just be allowed to die in jail, but it’s not a moral issue. The issue is, I’m pretty sure most Californians don’t appreciate providing millions in medical care to a murderer. I sure as hell wouldn’t.

So, seriously. Just let her out. It’s cheaper, and she’s going to die within the next few months anyway.

Note: I was extremely disappointed to learn that Atkins’ parole hearing has been postponed, with no future date set. How very anticlimactic. My theory is, they know they have no grounds on which to keep her in the slammer, but they don’t want to let her out, so they’re just holding off on the hearing in the hopes that she dies before they have to deal with her. But who knows. Oh well.

Dear Barack Obama,

Okay. I have no problem with you bowing to the king of Saudi Arabia or whatever it is everyone is flipping out about. That’s a simple sign of respect. I guess some of the redneck idiots in this country believe that America ain’t s’posed to respect nobody cuz we’s got nu-ku-lar bombs, but I’m personally not of that school of thought. We’re not doing so great. China is slowly and silently taking us over. I’m pretty sure we’re not in a position to be disrespectful, especially when so many of the leaders in the Middle East wouldn’t be even remotely receptive to any kind of meeting with you.

However, randomly flying Air Force One and a jet fighter low over Manhattan without really notifying anyone? Not cool, Mr. President. In fact, not only was that not cool, that was absolutely retarded. (Sorry for the lapse in political correctness, but honestly, ‘retarded’ is quite an appropriate adjective in this case.) Seriously, you’ve got to be kidding. Was that photo op really that important? Or did the occurrences of the last time someone flew a couple of big planes low over Manhattan just slip your mind? If the latter is the case, for your benefit, here’s the quick and dirty of it: THE PLANE PROCEEDED TO FLY INTO BIG BUILDINGS.

Now, normally I’m pretty supportive of you. But I feel like it’s unfair for me not to write this, considering that if George Bush had done it, I would’ve been even quicker to pounce on the idea. Plus, being the extraordinarily paranoid person I am, I can certainly appreciate why New Yorkers were pretty much flipping a shit when they saw that. I mean, duh. Eight years ago they saw a similar scene, and it resulted in around 3000 deaths. Why on earth would you fly right past the site of that attack and basically perform an unannounced re-creation of that day?

Seriously, man. You caused stampedes. Usually I would just be making fun of the stampeders for being idiots who were just overreacting to a situation. But honestly, I think I have to side with the crazed mobs this time. Like, the mayor of New York City wasn’t even made aware of this. You’d think you and your people might have thought things through and been like, “Oh hey… Wait a sec. That thing, I think it was, like, September 2001-ish? Something with big planes? And I want to say that that Osama bin Laden guy may have been involved in the story somewhere… Hmm… Damn, what am I thinking of?! …OH YEAH!”

Really? Honestly, no one in the White House made that connection?

I’m afraid to say this is something I would expect of the Bush Administration. But then again, even they weren’t idiots enough to cause a legitimate panic for a photo opportunity.

President Obama, I know you’re stressed. Trust me. We all are. But you have a buttload of allegedly qualified, capable, intelligent people working for you, and I have faith that you’re qualified, capable, and intelligent as well. Try to avoid stupid-ass stunts like this in the future, okay? Take a chill pill or something. Because if you screw up to the point where Sarah Palin gets herself into the White House in 2012, I’m quite serious in stating that I will renounce my citizenship. And that would be way too much of a hassle.

Regards,

A Concerned Citizen

Central New York: We Breed High Profile Murderers!

First came Stacey ‘Crazy Bitch’ Castor. Now there’s the so-called Craigslist Killer. These two whack jobs have something in common, besides the fact that they are obviously mentally unstable: They both grew up about an hour away from the house I’m writing from right now!

Ms. Castor isn’t as high-profile as Philip Markoff, a.k.a. the Craigslist Killer. Still, this woman is convicted of murdering her second husband with antifreeze and attempting to kill her daughter with a vodka-and-crushed-pills cocktail. She’s also suspected of killing her first husband. And despite her previous lack of big time publicity, ABC seems to find her sufficiently crazy, as displayed by the two-hour-long episode of 20/20 that they dedicated to her. It aired last night. You may have seen it. She really embodied the kind of classy lady this area breeds.

Then there’s Mr. Craigslist Killer. In all the papers it says he’s from Massachusetts, but don’t be fooled. He grew up in a small town near the Turning Stone Casino. I’m pretty sure that in early 2004, I played in a basketball tournament at the high school he attended. Maybe it was the middle school. Regardless, it was in the same school district, so it gets my point across. This guy is totally from here, too. I’m beginning to sense a pattern.

Then we’ve got Dan Maffei. As far as I know, he’s not a high profile murderer, but he did go on The Colbert Report to enumerate the various reasons why he ‘enjoy[s] the company of prostitutes.’ But that was obviously just him playing along with Colbert. I think. (If you look at the track records of some other New York politicians, I guess we can’t really be too sure that he was joking.)

So, who will bring the area into the national spotlight next? Will the nuclear power plant a few miles east of here mysteriously explode? Will it turn out that the Border Patrol officers in this town are secretly waterboarding suspicious members of the growing Latino population (Yeah, I know that makes no sense. Just roll with it.)? Will someone at my high school finally snap? We’ll just have to wait and see.

Seriously, though, check out this track record. Maybe I should stick around Central New York. After all, I find psychos like these gruesomely fascinating.

Stephen Colbert in Syracuse?

Apparently, recently elected Rep. Dan Maffei, who represents much of the Central New York area, will be appearing on the ‘Better Know a District’ segment of The Colbert Report in coming months. Maffei filmed the segment with Stephen Colbert yesterday.

I have to admit, when I saw this in the paper this morning, it just about made my day. I mean, really. When does anything exciting ever happen up here? Leo DiCaprio was spotted at Carousel Mall a couple of years ago eating at Johnny Rockets, so I guess that was neat. Then there’s always the State Fair, but that is basically a week in which thousands upon thousands of obese, mullet-wearing New York hicks (yeah, including me, minus the obese/mullet-wearing part, although my mom did wear a fanny pack when we went last year) converge upon Syracuse to consume deep fried Twinkies. And really, that’s all we’ve got (except that Super Dee Duper Wicked Green Shopping Destination they’ve been trying to build forever but that really hasn’t amounted to much thus far). So seeing that we’ll be represented on one of my favorite television programs is pretty cool.

Granted, Maffei made a point of mentioning that Budweiser’s brewed around here, so we’ll probably be made out to look like a bunch of drunken fools.

Also granted, Maffei doesn’t even represent me. I’m not actually even in his district. I’m represented by some guy named John McHugh, who doesn’t appear to do anything exciting at all. But if you drive like twenty minutes or half an hour down the highway, you can get to Maffei’s district. So considering that, as well as the fact that my man McHugh is supposed to keep track of all the Adirondacks and stuff, I don’t think McHugh’d really miss me if I disowned him briefly for the purpose of this post.

Anyway, the whole point is, this is probably right up there with the construction of the Erie Canal when it comes to significance in local history.

…Or maybe not. Who cares. I’m just excited to see someone I vaguely recognize on the show in a month or so. Plus I’m very jealous of whatever reporter from The Post-Standard was covering this story.